Speed Round
WILL POWER FOR SALE
This season’s must-have accessory for the rich and bored: A “sober companion,” a person you pay to hang out with you to stop you from getting high. [NY Times]
MONKEY
Scientists successfully map the DNA of the rhesus monkey, which is 97.5% identical to human DNA. Cool, huh? [State College]
WALK OF FAME
Oscar-winner Forrest Whitaker gets a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. [LA Times]
SANJAYA
Maxim names Sanjaya it’s official Girl Of The Day. Blame the ponyhawk. [Maxim]
ICK
Marilyn Manson, 39, describes his new girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood, 19, as his “double.” We did the math and realized, true, he is double her age. [D-Listed]
CELEBRI-DIRT
Regis Philbin recovers from triple bypass heart surgery, announcing that he’s so happy he can have sex again. In a related story, we vomit. A lot. [AP]
INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS
The founder of the Soviet secret police shows off his soft side. Also, Hitler was a cuddler. [Reuters]
WHY DIDN’T WINONA THINK OF THIS?
“Woman: Bowel caused alleged shoplifting” [AP]
FRANCE
With its national election only days away, the French do pretty much what you’d expect them to do in a time of political turmoil: they consult fortune tellers. [AP]
A SPELLING BEE FOR THE REST OF US
The Simplified Spelling Society (SSS) celebrates its 99th birthday by basically trying to do away with the entirety of the English language. Sweet. [Reuters]
AWKWARD
Jenna Bush is writing a novel set in Panama: a country her grandfather bombed. [Wonkette]
OLD AND COLD
Fred Fox is on his way to become the oldest man to ever reach the North Pole. He’s 92. You go, Fred. [LA Daily News]
6 FEET UNDER
A woman sues her town after slipping and falling into her friend’s grave. [Citizen Times]
REFEREE
A referee is suspended after getting into a fight with a player. Someone, quick, blow a whistle. [NY Times]